Stay Dead · published
At C.A.R.E., we believe in transparency, transformation, and-above all else-you. That’s why we wanted to take a moment to address a few common misinterpretations surrounding our recent infomercial-style educational outreach asset featuring the NZ-1 vaccine.
This one, right here, in case you didn't see it. You should! It's really cool, promise.
Dearest citizens of humanity, and… those with pre-existing undead conditions.
We understand that our recent educational media asset may have rubbed some viewers the wrong way. Some even called it “a war crime in pastel.” And while we appreciate the passion behind these responses, we see this as a beautiful opportunity to set the record straight.
Let us be clear: this video was never intended to “brainwash,” “mock,” or “aggressively rebrand” the undead population.
It was simply meant to uplift, inform, and convert-er, comfort-our diverse community of post-living individuals.
From snake oil to gold-plated rat traps, humanity has always found a way to profit from a crisis.
C.A.R.E. was born from that same spirit-just with better branding, cleaner syringes, and a scalable subscription model.
When the zombie outbreak hit, the world panicked. We patented.
While governments crumbled and your neighbours ate each other, we launched NZ-1 and a tiered membership model.
NZ-1 (short for No Zombie 1) is our flagship vaccine. It’s fast, affordable*, and designed to reverse the worst symptoms of Undead Syndrome, including:
Brain cravings
Mood swings
Spontaneous limb loss
Emotional attachment
Unemployment
Most recipients report immediate improvements, such as:
Increased productivity
Lowered mental strain
Glossier skin
(*Subscription required. Side effects may include existential despair, romantic detachment, and the inability to scream.)
Our recent media asset has been described as “cheesy,” “tone-deaf,” and “so manipulative it loops back around to being hilarious.” We take these comments very seriously, and want to reassure you that every frame was rigorously focus-grouped on live humans in a simulated empathy chamber.
If the pink smoke, poppy soundtrack, or slow-driving convertible upset you, we humbly suggest taking a deep breath and consulting your local terminal pod for emotional recalibration.
Let’s address the green, mutated elephant in the room.
Yes, it's true. We missed a small island during our global rollout. Porto Morto didn’t register at first glance. (We thought it was a coffee stain on the map.)
But now that we’ve rediscovered it, we’re excited to offer its residents the same high-quality, lightly mandated healthcare enjoyed by the rest of the civilized world.
Sure, they’ve:
Mutated the virus into something… suspiciously stable
Built a self-sustaining undead utopia
Fostered joy, connection, and community
Which is exactly why we’re stepping in.
Imagine how strong their bonds will be after they’re cured, reprocessed, and returned to a compliant, productivity-focused society.
We’re simply acting before their paradise becomes a petri dish of noncompliance.
We understand this is a delicate time. But rest assured, we’re here to help, heal, and streamline the re-humanization process across all corners of the globe.
Just know we’re always here, with a smile, a needle, and a dream.
Don’t be a monster. Call now!
1-800-CUREME (Ask about our family plans!)
With sanitized sincerity,
Anita Heartwell
Director of Outreach and Assimilation, C.A.R.E.™
“Because it’s our business to care.”